Sent today, but long overdue.

My William Hung hate mail.

Hey William:

I am a 29 year old asian male, born and raised in the US. I've faced discrimination in my past and present, in various subtle and not-so-subtle forms. I have to say that your "act" is pathetic and sets back asian men in this country by decades. The idea that you have a "career" as a novelty act makes me sick; your audiences are laughing at you, not with you. As a result, many of them think that you are representative of all asians - emasculated, ignorant of their surroundings and of people's actual perceptions of them, and generally as a complete joke.

Thanks for making the rest of our lives more difficult - every time asians take one step forward, with movies like "Better Luck Tomrrow," there's a roach like you that steps in to set them back four. You are as embarassing to Asians as OJ Simpson is to African-Americans. For god's sakes, please go away so the rest of us can go about undoing the havoc you've wreaked to us in general.

Sincerely,

Chris Tam

Another Celeb Sighting

So today, I had another humiliating day at Best Buy. It was horrible, with some wannabe rich girl snob with cheap pumps getting pissy with me after I followed her all over the digital imaging section answering her questions and when I rang up her purchases, she broke my balls for adding about 2 minutes to her transaction. I swear, I was ready to go ballistic on her. Just can't stand disrespect.

So I have met James Woods (SUPER nice) and Glenn Close (DIVA) at Sundance, seen Neil Patrick Harris at Ralphs, and sold Matthew Ryan Phillippe a Sirius Satellite boombox at Best Buy. Today, to make up for the tramp I waited on earlier, Alan Alda and his wife came in the store looking for some DVDs. I couldn't help but introduce myself, shook his hand, and told him that he was fantastic as Arnie Vinick this past season on The West Wing - and congratulated him on his Emmy nod. He was very gracious. Too bad the West Wing isn't coming back - this season it had new life breathed into it, and a season with Jimmy Smits as the President and Alan Alda as a Secretary of State would have been phenomenal. But I'm sure that NBC has a bunch of other worthless crap that will last for 2 or 3 episodes before their inevitable cancellation. SORRY that 18-30 year olds aren't interested in watching the West Wing, NBC programming idiots!

Chelsea Handler Show Tickets / Audience taping

OK, so I read a review in the paper that the Chelsea Handler show is funny. I visit the E! website and they have a clip that is reasonably amusing. So I go to the tvtickets.com website and I ask along my friend Greg P and his wife. The directions say to show up at the studio (on the westside in the G4 studios) an hour early (taping is at 5PM, so we're there at 4PM). We're sitting on concrete for an hour and a half and we keep seeing people pass by. The handler for the tvtickets losers tells us that she's going to get in the first 10 people who show up from the tvtickets.com / Audiences Unlimited website. The people who arrive, they're either with "LA Casting" or they have tvtickets.com tickets, like us schlubs. So Greg, Alison and I are like, the 4th through 6th people to arrive. All these people who keep passing by and are actually let into the studio are from LA Casting, which is basically actors and actresses who, according to the people we talked to who worked there, are generally fitting the mold of who the show wants to have in the audience (there's a lot of cheesy audience shots during this semi-sketch comedy show). Who don't they want? Well, this guy who weighed like, 280 lbs and was 5'9" showed up as part of the tvtickets audience (about the 15th person to arrive) - so basically middle america: fat, overweight, midwesterners. Those of us who showed up relatively early, we seemed to be overall dressed reasonably well, and young - perfect for the show.

Anyway, we sat outside for about an hour and a half, and needless to say, we didn't get in. They admitted a bunch of people who THEY PAID to show up, rather than individuals who had some interest in actually seeing the show. I also heard from one of the people working there that Handler may have had a bunch of personal guests show up - so who gets screwed? We did. It was a total waste of time. The kicker was that I actually watched the show for the first time this morning - I had taped it from earlier this weekend. One of the show's annoying crawls on the bottom of the screen during the episode was advertising to come see the show in person by using tvtickets.com. Of course, they didn't mention that it would be a total waste of time, and that you'll get to watch a bunch of paid actors be admitted to watch the show while you're on the outside looking in. Absolutely PATHETIC.

As for the show itself, Handler's a handsome woman. The show itself is really obviously scripted, with any semblance of improv squeezed out of it. However, it is funnier than SNL.

Of course, that doesn't really say much.

Many Adventures, Fat Sweaty Taxi Drivers

OK, so the last blog referred to a headache I had from being tired from not getting any sleep one night because I had food poisoning because I had fruit for breakfast after drinking cows blood from the night before. I will explain more momentarily, in the next blog.

But today...

So I decided to go with some of the girls to Palermo, an area where we went to the Diamond Bar the other night, and got turned away from two bars, because even though they were empty, they could not find a way to accommodate about a dozen Americans looking to spend cash on their absurdly cheap food. In Palermo, Amex was running a special with certain stores where one would automatically get 20% off clothes and 30% off food at certain merchants, about 2 fifths or one-half of the places there. Anyway, so we call two cabs from the hotel, which is thought of as being safest because you´re calling established "legit" cab companies. So two cabbies show, and they know each other. We start driving from the hotel, and they do this thing which has happened a couple times where they essentially do a circle around the hotel so they can go in the other direction - U-turns are apparently not done, though driving and weaving across lanes is ok, coming within inches of pedestrians is ok, and driving without lights off (only occasionally turning them on to signal your presence amongst other automotive psychotics) is absolutely dandy. Many seem to do it (circle around the hotel), so I assume it´s a legit move rather than an attempt to ripoff idiot tourists like myself. When I got in the cab, the passenger seat - shotgun, had a bunch of crap in it, from CDs to an asthma inhaler. The guy was about a deuce and a half, 5-5 and sweating profusely. So we drive off, do the circle around the hotel. At one light, these two douchebags pull up next to each other and start joking with each other in Spanish. Approximately 4 minutes into the drive as we´re driving, Jabba the Sweaty Taxidriver turns to us and tries to convince us to take some tour, which he obviously gets a piece of. We turn him down politely. About 5 minutes into the drive, he tells us that he needs to get gas. I´m thinking, are you fucking kidding me? How about not picking up fares until you have gas? So we are driving, and the other cab is following us. Apparently, they should have gone in another direction than us to go to Palermo but they were following us because the cabbies were friends. The second cabby asked the girls if they wanted to tag along with us on our intrepid expedition to the diesel station. Apparently, the girls weren´t into getting into line for gas they didn´t need behind one of the more slovenly pieces of garbage in the ironically named city of Buenos Aires. So we´re waiting in line for gas. The meter is running. I tell Jabba the Sweaty Fuck to shut it off. I can´t speak spanish, so instead, I point at the meter, look pissed, and do a throat cutting sign with my hand. Jabba the Urine Stained Taxi Driver says, it will cost only one peso more. ONE PESO MORE! I was ready to either leave the cab, or help him further establish his "Urine Stained" street cred, except that the cab had Linda S., Mari K. and someone else...I forgot who it was, maybe Amy C. Anyway, I turned to them and said that the situation was absurd, and that I was ready to skate. They were paralyzed, because, I assume, they´re girls, and natural instincts push towards safety - they didn´t realize we were about half a mile away from our hotel, and about a quarter mile away from a Sheraton. I did, because I was paying attention, but I said that I would encourage them to leave, because I was ready to get out of the damned cab, but that I would not abandon them should they decide not to leave the cab for whatever reason. After approximately 5 minutes of waiting in line, a good solid 5, we pull up to the diesel pump. So then Jabba the Diabetic-in-Waiting asks us to get out of the car. To this moment I still have absolutely no idea why he wanted us to get out of the car. I don´t know if it was because he wanted to fill the car and needed us out of the finest subcompact Peugeot in Buenos Aires made with a vintage of 1974 to do so, but I think he was surprised when we finally walked away - it was finally enough to galvanize the girls into getting out and moving on. I think he was surprised when we walked away though, it seemed like he thought we would stay. I think he was shocked we stayed as long as we did. I was. Oh, Jabba the Pit Stained Stench also had an illegal copy of Madonna´s Immaculate Collection on the front seat too. So we walked over to the Sheraton and got a cab. To make up for this horrible experience, when we came back from Palermo, I picked the cab, out of one that passed by. I let three pass and picked one that was about two years old and in great shape. We let him know the address, and off we went. The guy not only did a good job, but he actually asked us which of two routes we wanted him to take back to the hotel. About 3 minutes later, I asked Barbara C. to help teach me how to say that his cab was the "greatest in all of South America." I also gave him some credit as well, in my incredibly lame Spanish (me pointing at him and saying "Muy Bueno" several times over could have qualified me for the on-stage role in spanish speaking countries of the Raymond part in a theatrical version of "Rain Man"). So when he dropped us off, we paid him, and tipped him about 3 pesos, which was about one dollar. The girls gave him 12 for an 11 peso fare, and I took a two peso bill from him and gave him a five. His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree (cabbies are not generally tipped). Nice guy, good guy, good karma deserved a good payback for this driver. He was amused when we were complimenting him, and noted that there were generally only very old and very new taxis in Buenos Aires, due to the extended period where they were having hyper-inflation in their country, thus necessitating a holdup in investment. There´s similar issues in overall Argentina now, where an anti-business president who is "brain-dead" has basically pushed policies that have frozen prices for products in place. Over two months, one guy´s electric bill was less than 1 dollar here. As a result, no one´s going to want to invest money in a climate like that, where the president has basically limited free-market movements.

Hitting a Saturday arts and crafts fair in La Recoleta tomorrow, near a famous cemetery where the beloved Evita Peron is buried. Must go to sleep now.

My Head Hurts

OK, so its the 31st of March. I´ve been in South America since last...Friday, and my head hurts now. Some of you have asked how it´s been going so here´s some of the highlights:

1. Aaron K. dropped me off at the airport today. he´s gone now. So sad...so very sad. But he finished off the Chris Thornberg paper (hopefully he´ll accept so I can graduate). Aaron, thanks for picking up the slack, I was fading hard by the end of last quarter, I´m such a fucking loser! Aaron´s gone back up to the Bay to work for Namco (living the dream) and we´re all very proud and will miss his horribly retarded jokes.
2. Nadya said she would pick me up but then emailed me to say she might not. LIAR!
3. The flight to S. America was not nearly as painful as I thought it might be. I spent most of it isolated from the others in the group, they seemed to be on one side of the plane while I was on the other. The group includes:

• Dave F. and Kelly S. (engaged). Dave is a low-talker. Super nice guy, but a low-talker. Kelly is a bold and brassy blonde whose personality is reminiscent of one of my new favorite people, Teri M. (whose breasts are real) - they call ´em as they see ´em.
• There´s the "nice girls" who would not say anything bad about anyone, regardless of my relentless attempts to bait them into doing so (a little more about that later): Eleanor H., who was mock upset about Ben calling her from a whorehouse in Holland (what´s the big deal), Barbara C. who lives with me in Weyburn Terrace, and is the only person in the group who is truly fluent in Spanish (thank god - its been a real experience and awkward at times being in a truly foreign place, with different customs and currency and language). Ooh, who´s the other part of the nice girls trio...hmmm....Oh, Amy C., who I keep forgetting is married (she seems so young, so it´s weird to think of her as married; also, whenever I see her, I keep thinking that she reminds me of someone I know, but I don´t really remember who it is). They will not say anything bad about anyone, even...
• Wendy C. who brought her boyfriend on this trip. We started calling him "Maurice" because we thought it would be a funny name to call him and also being able to talk about him in front of him without getting caught for it would be fun. I had this odd feeling about Wendy before I left for the trip, because she kept looking at me like she was angry, especially when I inconvenienced her mildly. It got worse, because "Maurice" is a bit of an arrogant, no-volume control-on-his-voice Napoleonic tyrant. Let´s just say some of his behavior consistent with some of the sterotypes floating around out there about Wharton people. If he´s representative, I am glad I didn´t get in! So... some of us really can´t stand Maurice. I am able to sit with him and have a civil conversation, but I don´t think he has a real understanding of how he´s perceived by a majority of the group. When we were sitting around in the Diamond Bar in Palermo last night, I asked: would you rather be trapped in a room with Jan N. for 20 hours or Maurice for 5? Many opted for Jan. Another situation: would you rather be trapped in a room with Maurice for 20 hours, or $10K out of your OWN POCKET to a charity of your choosing? The vast majority opted for the charity. One sample incident: we were leaving the Holiday Inn Express (Buenos Aires) to go to dinner on our first evening here. We were meeting in the tiny lobby of the Holiday Inn Express when Maurice, ever the organization Nazi, loudly announced "Alright everybody, let´s go to the ATM" to get cash for dinner. When we left the lobby, three of the girls went to the left when the rest of us went to the right. When Maurice realized this, he yelled, "Hey, where are you going, we´re going this way!" The girls were going the other way because they didn´t want to be part of a large group of tourists which had just announced to all of Buenos Aires that they were tromping to an ATM. The funny part was that by this time, Maurice´s reputation and the group´s general dislike for him had already been internally widely known. So one heartbeat after Maurice yelled, I mockingly yelled in as Maurice-like a tone as I could, "YEAH! GET BACK HERE!" I got some in-group chuckles from those that realized my attempt at parody. To be honest, Maurice isn´t so bad, I´ve met far FAR worse. But he´s developed a bad reputation that isn´t helped by the fact that he and Wendy do not really talk with or seem to have any inclination of hanging out with the other group members which has only gotten worse as the trip has gone on and Wendy bickers with they well-liked Amy C. over control of group activities (ooh, power struggle on the LABA trip!). Basically, a complete lack of emotional intelligence on their parts - but at least they don´t seem to be lazy. Ooh, another gripe, we spent $70 bucks on a Tango show - US dollars, which may not seem like a lot by US standards, but given that when I came here, I had a filet mignon which was about four-fifths the size of a pringles can, at a very high-end restaurant that cost only 70 argentine pesos, which is about $23 US - to give an idea of the purchasing power on food, an admittedly extreme example, but to give a sense. Well, anyway, the Mean Girls who have just joined us from their own S. American jaunt, Amy Ch., Leslie C., Jen Ch. and the last girl who I don´t know, spent 23 argentine pesos on a smaller scale tango show with a far cheaper and better dinner...well, I wasn´t happy about it. I should have done more homework, but Maurice set it up and gets the blame.
• Linda S (A, you were right across the board).
• Julie S. and Jesse R., who only grow on my list of favorite people. But then again, I saw them fondling each other in their hotel room, who they were sharing with Jeff K, and that was a bit of a disturbing sight. Jesse is very easy to amuse, because he laughs at most of my jokes. People like that are truly, truly precious.
• My roommate Jeff K. - Jeff seems like a nice guy, sarcastic like me. He´s a bit hard to read, and normally I would reserve judgement on him because of that, but since he has the Jesse R. seal of approval, he´s good to go. Also, he and I are sharing a room for the second half of the trip in Buenos Aires. It would have been better if he did so in Santiago, because I´ve been sick for part of the trip here (more on the food poisoning later). One kind of odd thing, he wouldn't contribute towards tipping the maid who had been cleaning our room in the Buenos Aires Holiday Inn. That struck me as kind of cheap - I mean, I actually handed 3 dollars to the maid on the way out (one for each day), and her eyes lit up like an Xmas tree. I'm torn between thinking it was extraordinarily cheap and yet, his right to not tip if he didn't feel like it.
  
• Mari K. - she explained to me the whole legend of Evita Peron when we visited her website, because I missed the movie and couldn´t access wikipedia. God damn, it´s global around here!

• There was a channel in Santiago on the cable called "I-sat" which had on the TV one evening after returning from fun a documentary which was some kind of primer on sex, I think. There was a woman performing fellatio on the strap on of another woman. It was extremely graphic by US standards, and I was shocked that it was on the TV. Of course, I turned the channel right away. I was highly appalled and may write a letter to the FCC.
• Latin American keyboards are a pain in the ass.

More later, gotta run to lunch, Hiro´s got a beat on a japanese place...

Bill Murray, Star Wars, and Julianne

Just heard a quote from SNL Week's E! special:

One of the guys from the Daily Show (used to be a fake correspondent) was talking about how great Bill Murray's "Nick the Lounge Singer" was:

"Bill Murray just had this incredible ability to take this nonsensical gibberish and turn it into a song. You might call him the original Mariah Carey."

Very funny line. Bill Murray is a genius.

Ooh, they showed a clip of the "Ladies Man" sketch done with Julianne Moore. Apparently, she requested to be written into one of those sketches when she hosted the show. Damn - hot, smart, and she's got a sense of humor. DAMN!

Another dead series

dammit...just found out Over There was canceled. On top of that, "The Shield" has an extra 8 episodes or so this season - but that's probably to finish off the series. I agree that it's hard to keep Vic and the Strike Team out of trouble perpetually, but it's hard to say goodbye to my second favorite cop TV series (The Wire...superior entertainment). Over There, you'll be missed - there was never a moment where I was bored...and any TV show that has Mark John Paul Gossalaer (Don't call me Zack) get his head cut off by Iraqi insurgents - priceless, baby!

Next thing you know, Thief will be canceled, maybe before its first run is completed (god forbid). But damn, F/X has had a run just as good as HBO's pre-"Entourage"...if not better. The Shield, Nip/Tuck, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Over There - hell, I watched "Lucky" and liked it. Starved made me sick, but again, it was a noble failure, which is far more credit than I would give for 90% of the horrible, horrible crap on NBC. As far as I'm concerned - NBC put itself in this position; they had a decade of domination in Thursday primetime, the least they could have done was put some interesting, challenging, innovative programming in the 8:30PM time slot - hell, you could have put snow on the TV on ABC in that timeslot and still pull a few ratings points. Anyway, the Sarge, Doublewide, Mrs. B, Smoke, Dim, Angel and the entire gang will be sorely missed, and remembered, at least by me. Can't wait til you come out on DVD...speaking of that, Showtime, there's no way I'm getting you, so hurry up and get Sleeper Cell on DVD...or actually, god bless Bittorrent... 

UCLA Embarrassed!

Just terrible...ugh. Wasn't even close. Glad I dumped my tickets for $200. Kristin showed the boys how to use SPSS today, thank goodness. Dane Cook is hosting SNL tonight, who the fuck is this? Aren't celebrities supposed to host this show? LOST mug shots make me laugh. hahahaha

This damned Kingdom of Heaven assignment is driving me crazy.